coffee with a friend

Don't you think we could get rid of the whole therapist/counselor thing if we just sat down once in a while and had coffee with a friend? My mom believes she can solve any problem with prayer to God. I believe that is true, but I like a head nod or a "Yeah but" once in awhile. I need that person feed back and a hug to go with it. We should all just take a little time out from our busy-ness and sit down with a friend and discuss what is going on. It'll make our world a better place.

Choose your weapon.

Back to the therapist to tell her she is full of bunk. I cannot be at peace with all of my emotions when many of them are not peaceful. What do I do with my feelings when they are angry, sad, disappointed and disgust? I tend to cry. Actually, I am really good at crying. I just need new tools so I have a bigger arsenol to choose from when crying isn't the best option.

Another perspective

One of my students was talking with one of my associates. The conversation went something like this:
Student: Do you have any kids?
Staff: Yes, I have 3.
Student: What are their names?
(she listed them)
Student: What are their last names?
Staff: The same as mine (she told him).
Student: All three of them have the same last name?

Isn't that interesting that that was his concern? He then went on to tell all the last names of all the kids in his house.

Of Course She Is.

Yesterday when I picked up Sophie from school she told her teacher excitedly, "Hey Mr. Jeff, guess what we are doing tonight? We get to go see Shauna's new baby Everett!" Mr Jeff replied, "Who is Shauna?" Sophie looked at me, then at Mr. Jeff and said, "The baby's mommy!"

Duh!

Yeah, right

So, I went to my regular therapist yesterday and I learned a few interesting things. The grief I thought looked a lot like depression, was just that, not grief at all. I learned that I have been suppressing my emotions for awhile (not new news) and the sadness I was feeling after the funeral was a sort of "leak". Once I opened the flood gates, I couldn't stop them. I now have a new mantra written on my bathroom mirror in lipstick:
I am peaceful with all my emotions; I love and approve of myself.

Then I went to Ash Wednesday service last night and the liturgy spoke to that very theme. The hymn "Just As I Am" was sung and 3 verses especially stuck with me.

Just as I am, without one plea,
But that thy blood was shed for thee
And that thou bidd'st me come to thee
O Lamb of God I come, I come.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am; thy love unknown
Has broken every barrier down;
Now to be thine, yea, thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Here is also the confession that spoke to me:

God of Goodness and Grace, You have made us better than we dare to allow ourselves to be! You have made us to be in perfect communion with you; but we want to have a private space - private even from you! When we look to separate ourselves from you, we will by definition be sinning. Help us to realize that; so that we can repent of the desire to place space between You and us! As we learn about your Love for us, enable us to let You into our lives all the time! Or, more accurately, allow us to see that You are with us always, - even in those places and times where we think we have separated from You! AMEN!

I seek to be in communion with God all the time. I was given the directive to do 4 things:
1. repeat mantra as needed
2. feel all I am feeling and don't suppress it
3. make lists in my journal of the things I like and don't like and make them so
4. treat myself periodically, make an envelope for "A beautiful woman" and put cash in it periodically to treat myself as needed.

I tried really hard today and all I got was a Migraine. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Grief

Grief looks a lot like depression. I have battled depression and the feelings of sadness, anxiety and the need to self medicate with donuts is uncomfortable at best. It is always a bit embarrassing to weep uncontrollably in public places with no control whatsoever to common etiquette. My grandmother passed away last week and I recently returned from her funeral. I didn't know her. The effort was never made to have a "relationship" by either side. I went out of respect for the family bond and my relationship with my father, who lost his mother. I was surprised by the amount of grieving I had to do. It came out of nowhere. It hit me like a lead balloon. The sadness was overwhelming and I cried and cried and was in awe of how affected I was by this death. I felt anxious for no good reason (except the grief) and over-medicated quite a bit. Added to that were the relations I was introduced to at the funeral. Some I am curious about, some I am avoiding and some I would like to pursue a further relationship with in another time and place. How does one go about contacting a (long lost) cousin and say, "I think you are cool and I think we could be friends"? My grandmother once met Eleanor Roosevelt. Why did I never know that? She was a work horse and I remember her teasing me and laughing a lot when I was little. I like that about my memory of her. I will cling to that. Rest in Peace Bertha Hirsch. Amen.